Interview With A Newborn

Ever wondered what life is like inside the womb? Get the full scoop from Baby Crystal as he prepares for the big event. In this groundbreaking interview by Tracey Smith, we are delighted to bring you the story of Baby Crystal, as he prepares for his entrance into the world. Mom Crystal gives us comments on the story too.

TS: So, Baby Crystal, thank you first of all for agreeing to do this I am sure our readers will be hanging on your every word.

BC: You're welcome! Just call me BC. I have sure been called a few strange names since I moved in here - what a neighborhood - as for the interview think nothing of it. I mean, to be honest with you, it gets a bit boring, just swimming about in all this amniotic fluid. Some days, the most fun I have is deciding which organ to kickbox it's tough in here I'm enjoying the break from routine.

TS: Thank you BC! Could you tell us about your earliest memories here?

BC: Well, I have a vague recollection of the cell-split time. I mean there was such a lot going on. One minute, there were 2 of me, then 4 and 8 and before I knew it, I was like this huge blob of blobs. Next thing I know, I got a head that looks like something outta Jurassic Park and I'm doing the breaststroke. I had a lot of development issues at that time too. It was very emotional for me I'm a bit divided over it.

TS: I see. Moving on to your accommodation -what is it like in there?

BC: Ah, this place really is a womb with a view! I love it here, mostly. The heating has been playing up a little lately, but on the whole, it's been nice. I'm running out of room to put my stuff now and I have been rearranging the furniture a little to make the most of the space. To be honest, there's not much I can do. The landlady gets a bit heavy about me shifting stuff especially when I start doing it late at night I think it's a noise issue. Anyway, I'm shipping up and moving on soon. I'll take a fresh look at things then. I got my placenta all packed\; we are ready to roll.

TS: Do you have any favorite foods?

BC: Ohh food now you are talking my language! I love the stuff. I have to say, each day is an adventure. I never know what's coming next. It's like being blindfolded at a Jewish wedding buffet table. I have been sending memos up to the brain with a few room service requirements. Dad makes a great baked potato with peanut butter. Don't think much of that salsa stuff mom had recently and I told her as much too! That heartburn HAD to hurt! She won't be doing that again ˜till after I've moved out. Oh man, you should have heard the racket going off in the tummy! I could barely sleep.

TS: What is your sleeping pattern like?

BC: Well, it all depends. If I'm awake when she is getting the groceries in or whatever, believe me, it's no time for a baby to be awake. I get sick too, so it's better to settle down and go with the flow. I can push up the zzzs at the drop of a hat. I find it easier to get up once she lies still! Have you any idea how hard it is trying to move about when you have all these organs encroaching on your space? Once, I moved up to the lungs for a breather, I just had to put my foot down. Actually, right about their points).

Mom: oh that little one is right under my ribs again. Are you playing blow soccer in there or what?

BC: Hehe, she hates that. Well, it's not my fault I'm getting so big it must be the stuff she's feeding me!

TS: Do you have any recollection of the scans?

BC: Scans, scans? Ah, yeah! That will be the day I felt like I was lying on a photocopier, am I right? It was not too bad 

wasn't noisy or anything, but I felt like a tin of sliced peaches that wouldn't go through at the checkout back and forward, back and forward she was buzzin' me. I just looked out at the light and gesticulated a lot I think they got the message.

TS: When are you moving into your next apartment?

BC: Actually, I had a note from the landlady\; it's pinned up over there on the kidney. Says I gotta be cleared out here by the 10th of the month. I have to be honest with you - I think it's unreasonable! I got rights. I have been here for nearly a year now, surely she can't just kick me out on the streets. I have spoken to my attorney and I think I might be sitting it out for a while. Just until I get fixed up elsewhere. I am going to do a protest march later on her pelvic floor to make my point.

TS: What do you think you will say to the landlady when you finally meet?

BC: Actually, I heard she's got a place way down the dark hallway there, round the corner somewhere. I was thinking, I might just head on over and have a word. But every time I set off, it's like the walls come closing in on me. In fact, that's been happening a lot lately I think this place has a structural problem. The waterworks are going 24/7, there's a constant gushing noise going on 

the bladder is putting in for overtime this month.

I think if I ever met the lady that owns this place, I would sure let her know kicking and screaming the place needs a refit! Some furniture maybe, fresh paint all this red and black - it's too gothic for me.

Maybe it is time to move on

TS: Well, BC it's time for me to thank you sincerely for your comments today. I think our readers will learn a great deal about life on your side of the fence.

BC: No problem - actually, you have helped me to make my mind up. Hey, I'm REALLY gonna surprise her! I'M MOVIN' OUT EARLY 

let's see what she makes of that!